I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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