Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Randomize
