i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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