When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
