I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
