Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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