you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize