My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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