Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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