Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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