Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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