i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
