do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just blew my weed a kiss
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
