your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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