i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
