bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
