i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
