Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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