I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
