Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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