My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
