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It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
