So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
