who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
