how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
