Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
