Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
