I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
