How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
