I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
