Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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