At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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