i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
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