I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
