in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
is it fun? or sober?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
