My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I would fuck him just for his dog
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