I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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