Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
