you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize