Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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