Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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