what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
