I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
