I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
