Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
