There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
