The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
