i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
