My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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