last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
