that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
