If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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