I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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