Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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