woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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