I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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