she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
