After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
