Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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