My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
