I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I cockslap morals
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
