well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
